Dear Tyler,
It’s been one year since I saw you. Since I touched you. It’s been even longer than one year since you smiled at me. Since you spoke to me. Since you hugged me. Since you laughed at me. Since you told me you loved me.
That’s what hurts so much – your absence. I don’t hurt for you, Tyler. You are living in pure joy. You have no memory of any suffering here. No, I don’t hurt for you, because you are perfectly fine. But oh Tyler, I do hurt for me. The pain of your absence in my world is unspeakable. Just…unspeakable.
Tyler, you lit my world. Everything about you was so bright, so full of joy, so full of laughter, sarcasm and wit. My gosh, what a smart aleck you were! Just as much as I was in love with that side of you, I was even more in love with the deeper, sensitive, compassionate, thoughtful, introspective you. Your contemplations, your questions, your wisdom, your thirst to know God – they all amazed your mother.
Every day of your life, you gave me another reason to fall in love with you a little more deeply. And I did. Every day that I woke up being your mother was the most precious gift imaginable. You thought you were a lucky kid; I thought I was a lucky mom. Our mother-son relationship was a partnership made in heaven.
Part of what I loved more and more each day was the future you, the you I couldn’t wait to see unfold. From birth on, each stage of your development was a wonder for me. The nostalgia I felt as you outgrew one phase was overshadowed by the joy and anticipation of what marvels would come next. The many glimpses I had of the adult man you were going to be were such a blessing to me. Even as I dreaded you one day leaving our home, I grew impatient to meet your wife, to hold your children, to learn what your future held. Tyler, not only do I not have you, but the future you is lost to me as well.
So a year without you, without us, is unspeakable. It’s not supposed to be. But it is. And starting today, I’m beginning a second year without you. A year from now I’ll be entering the third year without you. I don’t want this, Tyler, but I’m powerless to change it. Words like missing, longing, grieving: they’re just empty words. They don’t capture what’s in my heart. They don’t capture what’s gone from my heart. They don’t do justice describing my Tyler-less world. A better word, I think, is homesick, like in the Mercy Me song you and I used to sing together. You are where I want to be, where one day I will be.
In the meantime, Ty, I think of you every minute of every day. I am so thankful for all we had together. Did you know that the songs we both loved so much now provide me with an incredible amount of comfort? When I’m listening to Shine FM on my way to work, sometimes the lyrics or music will bring you to me so vividly that I actually reach out as if I can touch you. And all those times you snuggled your 6 foot frame against me as we watched TV or movies together as a family? Sometimes it seems like I can feel you in my arms again when Dad and I watch one of those shows. How blessed I am to have had a teenage son like you.
Do you know what else you’ve left me, Tyler? You’ve left me your legacy here on earth. The other day, when all the angels around you were rejoicing because someone came to Jesus, it turns out that person accepted Jesus because of you. She never met you, Tyler, but she once told me that due to your courage, your faith, and your strength, she was drawn to your story as you fought your battle. Immersed in your story, she prayed hard like so many others. When you died, she came to your funeral. There, she saw more evidence of the faith you had and the loving people who had surrounded you in life. She decided she wanted what you had. She started going to church after you died, Ty, and the other day she claimed God’s free gift of salvation as her own.
Your life did more than bless your mom and dad with an incredible son. Your life mattered eternally, my sweet son. Your faithfulness, your obedience to God – it bore fruit, and it’s still bearing fruit. God’s kingdom is expanding because of you! Remember how you would often ask, “Am I winning?” when you spoke of your cancer? You were such a fighter! Well, cancer didn’t beat you, Tyler. It never squelched your spirit here on earth, and it certainly can’t squelch your influence now. You won, Tyler. You finished the race set before you.
It’s not lost on me that the first anniversary of your death falls on Good Friday, the day we commemorate the suffering and death of God’s own Son. And because He sacrificed His life and then rose, death was swallowed up in victory! That’s why you’re alive today, Tyler. Because God’s Son atoned for our sins that amazing day, and you saw that need for atonement and took what God freely offered. That’s why I’ll see you again.
I’m wretchedly homesick while waiting for our reunion. We were designed to be together, not apart. I promise you, Sweet Boy, that while I’m waiting to see you again, I’m going to live my life on this earth for the wonderful, amazing, and giving God who put us together for fifteen beautiful years.
Love,
Mom
Mercy Me, Homesick Lyrics
You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times, I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken,
the reason why I cry,
Is how long must I wait to be with you?
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is, then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength
to make it through somehow?
I’ve never been more homesick than now
Help me, Lord, ’cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why? I wonder if I’ll ever know.
But even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same,
‘Cause I’m still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength
to make it through somehow?
I’ve never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes!
And in Christ, there is no end!
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength
to make it through somehow?
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow?
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow?
I’ve never been more homesick than now