his sister

If you were loved by Tyler, you had his complete loyalty. His complete acceptance. You were more important to him than he was to himself.

From his earliest days, Tyler loved his sister. Fiercely.

After I had finished literally jumping up and down with unadulterated joy upon discovering I was pregnant, my very next thought sobered me.

How is Michelle going to take this news?

Michelle hadn’t asked to share her dad with a stepmom. What child ever does? Yet when I married her dad just before her tenth birthday, Michelle welcomed me into her world. Now Michelle was going on twelve. She was her daddy’s only child. How would she react to sharing her dad with a new sibling?

To our great relief, Michelle seemed to take the news of a pending sibling well. Still, I hoped this baby wouldn’t be a girl, so that Michelle could retain her exclusive Daddy’s Girl title.

As it turned out, all my angst was unnecessary. It was obvious that the little brother who arrived months later adored his big sister. And Michelle adored him back.

With the years’ passage, Michelle’s patience and tolerance for her brother amazed us. As Tyler grew, Michelle delighted in introducing him to her two loves – nature and video games. Although the twelve year span in their ages meant very disparate developmental stages, I treasured the way they bridged that distance with silliness, humor, hugs, and quick forgiveness when the inevitable bickering erupted.

When Michelle was away on visits to her mom, Tyler wanted to know when she’d be back. When Michelle experienced trauma in her teen years, Tyler cared.  A lot. When Michelle married, nine-year-old Tyler was the junior groomsman.

We didn’t understand why his smiles were so scarce during Michelle’s wedding until he finally revealed his fear that Michelle’s new role as a wife signified he’d lost his sister. A little time put the smile back on his face as Michelle and new husband TJ invited Tyler for sleepovers at their house, took him on outings, hung out at our house, and vacationed with us.

He hadn’t lost a sister; he’d gained a brother.

When Ty was diagnosed and hospitalized, he was nearly 15.  Ron and I faced informing our loved ones.

How is Michelle going to take this news?

Michelle, now 27, ensured their usual sister-brother time together wouldn’t be derailed. After working all day as a teacher, she would lug her gaming equipment through the halls and elevators of Hopkins so they could keep playing video games.

They laughed as hard at their favorite internet sites and inside jokes as they usually did. When Tyler was too sick or too tired to do much, Michelle crawled into bed with him.

Her dad and I felt her terror in the midst of our own. Just like we didn’t know how to parent a child with cancer, we didn’t know how to parent our grown and married daughter whose sibling had cancer.

When Michelle lost her brother, she lost the simplest and most unconditional love she’d ever known from another human. Along with a parent’s love and a spouse’s love come inevitable expectations and complexities.

But Tyler loved Michelle fiercely, simply because she existed. He expected nothing from her. He judged none of her actions or decisions. She had his complete acceptance. She was more important to him than he was to himself.

And when she lost her brother, she lost that fierce love.

This past winter, nearly two years after Tyler’s death, Michelle and TJ discovered they were expecting their first child. Michelle secretly hoped for a boy. When an ultrasound revealed a son, he was named Thomas Tyler after his dad and his uncle.

Little Tommy Tyler is expected to enter this world on October 16th, two days before Tyler’s 18th birthday.

Testing in July revealed that Tommy has Down syndrome.

I believe in my heart that as Michelle raises the little boy who carries both her brother’s name and an extra chromosome, she will discover that she once again experiences a love that she lost the day her brother died.

I believe in my heart that Tommy will love her simply because she exists.