Well, all things considered, I think today ended up being a pretty good celebration of Easter Sunday! This morning was my first time back at church since Tyler was home last in early January. Getting out of bed this morning was as difficult as it has been for the past week and a half. But especially today since it was just another new reminder of Tyler missing from our lives. No Easter basket, no colored eggs, no Easter egg hunt before church.
Being at church was tough. I saw folks we’d missed at the funeral and viewing, and of course everyone wanted to hug. Sometimes when you’re just hanging on to your emotions by a thread, hugging can be dangerous. I did OK until we sang, “I Will Rise,” by Chris Tomlin: one of the songs we sang at Ty’s celebration service. That got the waterworks going for me.
But the song wasn’t just a reminder of my son’s death; it was a special reminder of where he now is, alive and whole again. So was the entire Easter service. To have my first Sunday back after losing my child be completely focused on Jesus’ victory over sin and death was actually pretty wonderful. I am so thankful Tyler wasn’t private with me about his faith in Christ or about giving his heart to Christ.
Because of that, there’s no doubt in my mind that he is alive, celebrating, and joy-filled; he has already forgotten what it’s like to feel sorrow, worry, fear and pain. How amazing is that? If Tyler was given the opportunity to return to his life here on earth, I’m quite certain he would refuse.
After church Ron and I were invited to share Easter dinner with some friends. We kind of had to force ourselves to go as we do so many things lately, but were so glad we did. It’s amazing how the human spirit, in the midst of the most desolate grieving, can laugh and joke and fellowship. I’m thankful that God created us this way.
When we went home, we brought Tyler’s good buddy Brandon home with us. Brandon and I went through a lot of Ty’s stuff together. Just being with Brandon again was a balm for my grief. I can’t say how much I already miss the deep and raucous laughter of teenage boys in our home. Tyler had many boys he considered to be among his best friends, but Brandon was special. They were like brothers.
On January 17th, the day he went back to the hospital for his bone marrow transplant, two volunteers from Make-a-Wish interviewed Tyler about his Wish. Since Tyler didn’t have any siblings under 18, his Wish was to go to Disney and Universal Studios with Brandon. The Make-a-Wish folks were unsure this would be granted since non-family members don’t go on Wish trips.
But Tyler made a great case for Brandon being like a brother to him, and anyway, what kind of fun would it be for a teenager to just go somewhere with his parents? That would be like any other ho-hum vacation. When asked what his second Wish choice would be in case the first couldn’t be granted, Tyler said he wanted to go to the Super Bowl next year…with Brandon. I think they got how important it was to Tyler to have Brandon with him!
The day before Tyler died, Make-a-Wish contacted me to tell me Tyler’s Wish had been granted. Brandon and his mom would be able to join Tyler in Disney. No matter how sick Tyler became, Brandon never wavered from his certainty that Ty and he had big plans to fulfill after Tyler got better. Being with Brandon is like having a little piece of Tyler back with us.
On my way home from dropping Brandon off at his house, I had another one of my sob-fests. I turned off the radio and just talked to Tyler. I’ve mostly felt like I’ve already had the chance to say everything to Tyler that I needed to say, but apparently this wasn’t the case since I ended up telling him a few more things while driving along the darkened country road.
Mostly just a repeat of what he’s heard a thousand times. How amazing he’s been to raise, how much I’ve loved him, how blessed I am to have been his mom, how I’ll never be the same again from having known and loved him. I also needed him to know that I’ll be OK, because the God he’s worshiping face to face now is also with me and will be with me until the day I get to join Tyler.
That was my Easter Sunday. I think it was pretty fitting. Last year I didn’t get to celebrate Easter with Tyler because he was on a spring break missions trip to Costa Rica. This year we were apart again. But like last Easter, I can anticipate seeing him again.
“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Corinthians 15:55,57)