The other evening, I left work to go sit at Tyler’s grave. I’ve visited the cemetery a few times over the past 6 months, but only very briefly. Recently, with the weather turning fall-like, I felt compelled to spend some time there. I grabbed a camp chair from my trunk and got comfortable. It was sunny, the setting peaceful. Tyler’s marker, which is actually a two-seat granite bench, is still being custom-built, so there’s only grass there now. No one would even know my child is buried under that patch of undisturbed soil.
I knew exactly where, but I didn’t “feel” him there. I think I thought I would. I talked to him like I do regularly, but being at his grave didn’t make me feel more of a connection than I usually have. I stayed until the setting sun gave me a chill. As I drove the rest of the way home, I tried to figure out if I was disappointed by the lack of connection.
I guess overall I feel neutral, since I am connected to him no matter where I am or what I’m doing. What’s left of his earthly body is certainly there, but everything he was that made him my beloved Tyler is eternally alive.
I was reminded of the gospels’ accounts in Matthew, Mark and Luke where the angel tells visitors to Jesus’ tomb, “Don’t be alarmed… He has risen! He is not here.” Because Jesus conquered death, Tyler is simply not in his grave. He’s in his risen body.
I guess that thinking of, reading about, and singing about the promise of heaven is what makes me feel most connected to Tyler. 1 Thessalonians 4:13 expresses this well – when believers die, those left behind can grieve with HOPE.
These words by Scott Krippayne make me think of Tyler’s reality as he lay suffering and dying, and my own reality now. It speaks of our hope. This is one of those songs Ty and I loved to belt out in the car, neither of us dreaming the special meaning it would one day hold for us. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3s0KYTQb5UQ
The race is long
Sometimes I stumble
He helps me up, each time I fall
When I lose hope
He gives me courage
So I’ll press on and give my all
I know I’ll never have to run alone
And I can hardly wait to make it home
The best is yet to come
The promise of heaven awaits
I’ll finally see my Lord and Savior
Face to face
For He has set me free
For all eternity
When my life on earth is done
The best is yet to come
In every joy
In every trial
I need to keep
My eyes on Him
He is the way
My soul provider
No matter how the road may bend
The best is yet to come
The promise of heaven awaits
I’ll finally see my Lord and Savior
Face to face
For He has set me free
For all eternity
When my life on earth is done
The best is yet to come
When earthly treasures cloud my point of view
He reminds me that I’m only passing through
Nothing can compare to what’s in store
When we will join the angels singing holy is the Lord
The best is yet to come
The promise of heaven awaits
I’ll finally see my Lord and Savior
Face to face
For He has set me free
For all eternity
When my life on earth is done
The best is yet to come